The Talk

For those of you not familiar with my story, in 2012 I was convicted of 17 counts of securities fraud and eight counts of theft. I was subsequently sentenced to a 30-year prison term in the Colorado Department of Corrections. It had always been my contention that “all notes” were not securities, and late in 2015, the Colorado Court of Appeals in a unanimous, published decision (People v Mendenhall 363 P. 3d 758 ) agreed with me and reversed all 17 counts of the securities fraud convictions.  However, I continued to be incarcerated for the next several years.  After serving 6 ½ years in prison, with no reduction in my sentence for the vacated “securities fraud” counts, I became eligible for community corrections (half-way house) due to “Good Time” and “Earned Time” credits.  I remained in a halfway house from Jan 19, 2018 to Oct 15, 2018 and at that time I was placed on ISPi classification (electronic monitoring) which allowed me to live at home, while still maintaining the status of a DOC inmate.  I continued with that status for a little over a year until I was granted parole on Nov 26, 2019.

The remainder of my conviction is currently in front of the Colorado Court of Appeals and we are anxiously awaiting a ruling.

I am here to speak with you today about overcoming, pushing back in times of adversity, and never allowing yourself to fall into despair, and always, always believing in the power of HOPE.

Let me begin by saying, I cannot imagine spending the rest of my life without having the benefit of this experience. That is not to say it wasn’t horrific, because it was. I was totally heartbroken and completely devastated. I had never before felt such deep despair as I did when I received a 30-year prison sentence. My entire soul groaned and I wept like I had never wept before.

At the beginning of my incarceration I was lost and felt forgotten, much like a dead man that David writes about in the passages of Psalm 31: 9-15. I don’t think I will ever be able to adequately express the depth of my desperation.  I believe being locked-up is something that is extremely difficult to understand unless you have experienced it yourself. The loneliness, heartbreak, and sense of helplessness. There’s a constant pit in your stomach and ache in your heart. One of my greatest fears as a prisoner was the fear of being forgotten. There a few feelings in life which are worse. I would like to share with you a few lines from a letter I received from a dear friend early in my imprisonment and the profound impact those words had on me.

 “As I walk down to the garden, I always take in the mountain view, the yellow blooming pear cactus, the yellow wall of flowers, the glorious royal blue mountain bluebirds and the wonderful clean morning breeze. I always say a prayer for you on my morning watering walk. I pause to take it all in all your behalf. Take a moment in your morning and know that I am sending you a sweet breeze, the sunshine of a new morning, the birds’ songs, the wildflowers blooming and the mountains standing sentinel. I send it to you on wings of prayers. Know that you are NOT FORGOTTEN. You are in our thoughts and prayers.” 

Those words touched me in such an indelible way. She will never know how uplifting and encouraging those words were and what a difference it made to hear them when I needed it the most. Never underestimate the impact of uplifting words. It became apparent to me early on that I was faced with a critical decision on how I was going to spend my time. I could either feel sorry for myself or I could choose another path. I knew my Creator did not allow me to be in this situation for me to feel sorry for myself. I still believe life is primarily about the choices we make.

As Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl states in his bestselling book “Man’s Search for Meaning” the last of all human freedoms, is the ability to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances and the opportunity to choose one’s own way. Everything else may be taken from you, but that one thing is to choose your own attitude. There an ability to realize life is still expecting something of us. If life has meaning, then most certainly, suffering has meaning as well. I read a statement in the very first days of my incarceration that went something like this “I know it may seem hopeless now, but I can assure you it isn’t. You may be on the verge of the most significant discovery of your life.” While in my despair, that may have been difficult to embrace but something deep inside me told me it was true.

While I did not have any criminal inclinations leading to my incarceration, I know I was leading a “consumption driven life” which was marked by the pursuit of personal success and material accumulation. After reading Rick Warren’s book “A Purpose Driven Life” it became planted in me that living a “life of significance” is fundamentally more fulfilling than a “life of success.” A life of compassion, understanding, giving, most importantly, humility.

I know it was the intent of the prosecutors to take away my life, but my life was actually given back to me. I believe jail either brings out the best or the worst in someone. I strived very hard to find the dignity in a very undignified situation. I knew my Creator would bring me through this journey stronger spiritually, emotionally, intellectually and even physically. 

I also knew this was “where I am, but not who I am.” I believed “I am an individual with a future, not just someone defined by my present situation.”  It was at that moment, I decided to turn my time into spiritual and fitness camp. I made a fundamental decision to make an impact on how I would spend my time. Rather than wasting it playing cards, dominos, gambling, and watching endless television like many other inmates, I subscribed to what I call a Body-Mind-Spirit experience. 

This meant I would only devote time to those three areas. I rarely participated in activities that did not promote or enhance one of those particular aspects of my journey. The first thing I focused on was maintaining my body and health. Prison can be fatal to both. Under the body and health, I concentrated on six key areas. These were diet, stretching, cardio, resistance training, hydration, and rest. 

1.) The importance of a common-sense diet with portion control is paramount in any fitness regimen. I focused on a lower carb and high protein diet as best I could given the restrictions and limited options of prison food. 

2.) A daily stretching routine, which I believed saved my life. I usually followed one of a number of different routines I created. I stretched 5-6 weekly for about 40-60 minutes each day.  

3.) Cardio is also very, very important in making sure you get your heart rate up for the optimal time for at least three times a week. I jogged and ran bleachers/stairs. 

4.) Then of course, there is resistance training (lifting weights) which can be either free weights or cable weights. Often individuals just jump into this while ignoring the other steps. When lifting of any sort, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of proper technique. I did resistance training three times weekly, did cardio the other three days, and always took Sundays off. I currently do “High Intensity” resistance training four times weekly and cardio two times weekly. I also try to get abs and stretching in 5-6 times weekly. 

5.) None of this matter unless you stay properly hydrated throughout the day. Experts suggest that you should consume at least eight glasses of water daily. Experts also say 95% of daytime fatigue is attributed to dehydration. For a whole host of bodily benefits make sure you always have a water bottle nearby.

 6.) And finally, make sure you are allowing your body plenty of rest. 

This was the most difficult to achieve as the sleeping conditions in prison are very unforgiving. In addition to being very loud and noisy most of the time, sleeping on concrete or metal with a very thin mat wreaks havoc on your body. I developed intense shoulder and hip discomfort as a result. I slept very fitfully the entire the entire time I was incarcerated.

The stretching helped with the body aches, but it never went away. If you can get 7-8 hours of restful sleep each night, it will certainly enhance your entire fitness regime. Having a structured routine and a well thought-out schedule will help you stay fully committed to the process. Toward the end of my incarceration I also helped to design and implement a fitness program for the elderly and disabled inmates and I also acted a personal trainer for this program.

A lot of inmates would often times tell me they would start a fitness regime or begin working out after they got out of prison or jail. I always knew this wasn’t true. It’s just simply contrary to the human condition. If a person isn’t going to do something when they have nothing but time, they certainly are not going to do so when they have all the restraints of freedom: such a job, family, social obligations, and a busy and hectic lifestyle. You simply just make the commitment you are going to do it, regardless of ones setting. 

The second area I focused on was my mind. One of the ways I focused on strengthening my mind was by becoming an avid reader. I read mostly biographies and auto-biographies. I loved learning about others life stories. I was intrigued with Nelson Mandela and the enormous struggles and victories of his life. How powerful was his book “Conversations with Myself.”  I read very little fiction, but every so often, I couldn’t resist a good John Grisham novel. As a result of reading so many books it provided me with the opportunity to expand my vocabulary as many of the authors had a compelling command of the English language. I learned many comprehensive words and enhanced my own vocabulary. Words like efficacious, compunction and vociferous were a few of my favorites. 

Early on I formed a “word club” where I would introduce a “word of the day” to the group. We would learn the proper pronunciation, meaning, and the origin of the words. We would discuss all these areas, and each member would then have to use the word in a sentence and make the commitment to use the word at least three times during the course of that day. Also, one person each week would prepare an essay to be shared on Saturday mornings with the group using all the words we had learned for the week. I would also highlight “notable quotes” from books I was reading, and then go back often and re-read them. These quotes often had a profound impact on me, especially when reading of others struggles and how they were able to come out on the other side. 

My focus was finding the value and positivity in every situation and circumstance. While I was still in county jail prior to entering DOC, believe it or not, I created a “Pros vs Cons” list of being incarcerated. I wanted to focus on any positive aspect that existed. I would use this as a source of encouragement. And while it may be difficult to believe, there were far more entries on the on the “Pros” side of the list. Things like reclaiming my faith, and, of having the dream of what I believe is my life’s work planted in my heart were a couple of the “Pros”. With the toxic level of stress that ensued after my initial arrest and subsequent criminal proceedings I had also starting smoking cigarettes quite efficaciously.  This one “Pro” item alone may have saved my life, or most certainly extended it, as inmates are not allowed to smoke in jail or prison. Also, many, many more entries on the “Pro” side would have an eventual positive impact. I would sit daily asking, “What I am I learning? How am I growing? What do I have to be grateful for?” It reminded me of a quote from the movie “To Save a Life”, “What is the point of all this if you are not going to let it change you?”

And finally, and most importantly I strengthened my walk with my Creator. Even though I became a believer at the age of nine, most of my childhood was marked by some sort of religious dogma. Between what was mostly a broken and unhealthy family life, I also received Christian schooling between the 7-12 grades, even graduating from a Christian high school. I was married literally weeks out of high school, not because we had to, but rather what it seemed like what you were supposed to do growing up in rural Montana in the 1980s. 

I always felt different than my four other brothers growing up, and in-fact different from all the other boys I knew. During the next 12 ½ years while remaining married, I experienced different levels of connection to my faith. After all those years of being married, I knew something wasn’t quite right.  Even with what seemed to be an idyllic family life, I made the devastating choice to end my marriage.  During this period, I began to explore the feelings and emotions that led me to believe something wasn’t quite right. I began to expose myself to the feelings that for so long I tried to bury and had also asked God to remove from me.  It was at this time I begin to explore my same-sex attraction. 

You see, I didn’t believe I could be a faithful believer, and still have these types of feelings, and most definitely would not be able to act on them. Once I did begin to act on these urges, I did not believe it was consistent with my faith, and most certainly God would put me on a shelf as a result. I lived the next several years with that mentality. I simply didn’t think that being gay and being a Christian could coexist. The lifestyles seemed to be opposites. It wasn’t until August 14, 2011 while incarcerated in Denver Downtown Detention Center, a powerful man of God shared with me that I have a calling on my life. It was in that very emotional moment, I surrendered myself, and yielded to the calling of the Most High. Having fully submitted, I said to the Lord, “You know who I am, and I am willing to serve You as the person You created, knew and loved before I was in my mother’s womb.” He came for me once again in Denver County to renew my faith when I was not looking or expecting it. I now live my life as believer, and a gay man. A gay believer. I will never walk away from my faith again. 

Every day, I try to strengthen that walk by spending time in prayer, devotion, and in the Word. I have found the best way to do this with our busy schedules each day is in the quite of the early morning before the distractions of the day begins. For me, this is at 5:30 am. I also spend time reading each day and I’m currently on the works of C.S. Lewis and Oswald Chambers. I am also trying to keep myself affirmed during the day, and not allowing the challenges of the day to pull me down. I have found by focusing on the areas of my Body, Mind & Spirit, my life and existence have purpose and fulfilment. I live my life each day in the promise of that day, and not of the next. I also know the importance of daily re-enforcement in each of these areas. Nothing is constant in life unless it is nurtured. You cannot stay in peak physical condition by just exercising or focusing on fitness every so often. Nor can you stay in an excellent mental state by not focusing on things that will build you up. And most importantly, you will never be in the spiritual state you desire unless you spend quality quite time in building that relationship. 

I believe that “true significance” in life comes from the small decisions we make each day. From the time our feet hit the floor in the morning to when we fall asleep on our pillow at night, I believe our true significance in life comes from the small decisions we make each day. So many people are looking for that great big “success secret” behind curtain #3. It just doesn’t exist! 

Significance comes by doing little things each day that in and of themselves seem to be insignificant, but all told, all combined, become the propelling force for living a “life of significance”. I am here to tell you it doesn’t matter if you are in prison or living in the world on the outside, our life will be marked by the choices we make, and the attitudes in which we choose. Those choices have always and will always be ours to make!

In closing I would like to share a passage from the New York Times best-selling book “The Shack”.

“If anything matters, then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the Universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes: with every kindness and service, seen or unseen My (Gods) purposes are accomplished, and nothing will ever be the same again.”

Thank you all very much!